Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
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