Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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