I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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