I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She bit a glass in half.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
