If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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