It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
