My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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