I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
