____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
that may or may not have been my penis.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
