I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
