It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
