im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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