mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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