You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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