I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
