Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
