Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
