if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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