Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
love makes seman taste better
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
