Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
