you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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