I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
