I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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