I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
