I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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