im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
