one two three fourrrrnication!
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
