I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
