The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
