Don't make out with my wife yet
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
