just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
