I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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