awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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