im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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