the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
