Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
