Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
