it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
