my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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