At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
