I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
