Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
