I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
