I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
