wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
