I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
