She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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