Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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