Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
