Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
